Got Duct Tape?

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Got Duct Tape?

Postby linn » 15 Sep 2005, 01:39

3M Scotch Duct Tape: ... duct_tape/

The Official Red Green Show Site:

A Sticky Interview With The Duct Tape Kid
By Jim Moore

As one of America's most prominent columnists, reporters, and interviewers (that's how my resume reads), I have had the privilege (and sometimes the discomfort) of speaking with many top government officials, in which the talk has turned out to be more of an explosive encounter than an innocent interview.

Be that as it may, when I had the opportunity to interview David Paulison, the new head of FEMA, I made up my mind that, in view of the tragic Katrina episode, and the incendiary "background" of Mr. Paulison-I didn't expect the former Chief of Miami-Dade Fire Rescue to be a bucket of cold water---I would soft peddle the interview, keep the conversation on an even keel, and glean whatever information I could about the man and how he viewed his new position.

The interview took place in his office last Thursday, and I arrived with tape recorder in hand and my best questions in tow.

PAULISON: Come in, Mr. Moore, I've been waiting for you.

MOORE: I don't know whether to be flattered or frightened. I think I'll just say thank you, sir, for the interview.

PAULISON: Fair enough.

MOORE: First of all, Mr. Paulison, congratulations on your presidential appointment as the new head of FEMA.

PAULISON: Thank you very much.

MOORE: I also note that your most recent position was with the "Preparedness Division of the Emergency Preparedness and Response Directory." Whew, that's a big mouthful. How did you get that position?

PAULISON: Hmm, they needed a man with a big mouth to fill it.

MOORE: A federal employee with humor, I like that. Mr. Paulison, there's been some speculation about how you will prepare for the next emergency. Can you give us a clue as to what your plans are?

PAULISON: I can't comment on that.

MOORE: Well, sir, you once said that in the first 24 to 72 hours of an emergency, many American would have to look after themselves. What did you mean by that?

PAULISON: Americans are a resourceful people. In an emergency, however, they may need help. But government can't always be Johnny-on-the-spot, so we would expect them to fend for themselves for the first few days.

MOORE: Like they did with Katrina?

PAULISON: Something like that, yes.

MOORE: Would your new agenda for FEMA include an ample supply of duct tape?

PAULISON: Now, why would you ask me a question like that?

MOORE: Well, sir, two years ago you suggested that Americans stock up on duct tape to protect against a biological or chemical terrorist attack. Do you remember what that caused?

PAULISON: I haven't a notion. After all, it was two years ago.

MOORE: It set off a buying spree across America and most stores ran out of duct tape.

PAULISON: I warned them to stock up.

MOORE: That's not all, sir. Many Americans wondered if the government knew what it was talking about when it came to disaster preparedness.

PAULISON: What's your point, Mr. Moore?

MOORE: My point, sir, is that people might like to know how duct tape will protect them against a biological or chemical attack.

PAULISON: That's because most people have no idea of the adaptability, the strength, the adhesive power, and the uses that duct tape can be put to.

MOORE: I'm puzzled. I thought duct tape was used to hold venting pipes together.

PAULISON: Mr. Moore have you ever seen the Red Green Show on television?

MOORE: I'm afraid we don't watch much TV at our house.

PAULISON: Red Green is a goofy comedian, but he has shown the audience a thousand and one uses for duct tape. It's truly amazing. Duct tape can hold up your pants, cover up cracks in the wall, hold broken furniture together; why, Red even put a digger on the front end of his truck and held it on with duct tape. You can use duct tape for anything!

MOORE: Maybe they could have held the broken levees together with duct tape, and saved New Orleans from Katrina. Is that what you're saying, sir?

PAULISON: Yes. That's what I would have ordered. But, of course, I wasn't in charge at the time.

MOORE: Another missed opportunity. Well, Mr. Paulison, it was a pleasure talking with you.

PAULISON: And I with you, Mr. Moore.

MOORE: By the way, you're a big believer in duct tape. Ever think about doing duct tape commercials?

PAULISON: I can't do that. Conflict of interests. Besides, Red Green beat me to it.

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