Hurricane Preparation: A Little Humor

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Gnosty
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Hurricane Preparation: A Little Humor

Postby Gnosty » 26 Sep 2004, 17:47

FLORIDA HURRICANE PREPARATION

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: We're in the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean or Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the State, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "another big one."

Based on insurance industry experiences from some of us Florida "old timers," we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska as fast as you can and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built; and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU money; and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company who will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

STORM SHUTTERS

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows but can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR HOME

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects such as barbecue grills, plants, patio furniture, visiting relatives, annoying neighbors, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles or throw them into the pool anyway.

EVACUATION ROUTE

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license. If it says "Florida" at the top, you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. This is a good time to observe various gestures from other drivers.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES

If you don't evacuate, you will need a whole mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you must wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

30 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that - when the power goes off - end up being the wrong size for all your new flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be mostly useless in a hurricane, but it looks rustic Rambo and cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators.

You will need $35,000 in gold or diamonds so that - after the hurricane passes - you can buy a generator from a man with no teeth and extension cords from a guy who doesn't speak English.

Of course, these are just very basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television if you have a generator that works. Keep the TV on 24/7 at a very loud volume so your neighbors know you have a generator that works. Be sure to watch the reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean as they tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!

Jeanne Genie
Guest

Postby Jeanne Genie » 27 Sep 2004, 00:05

Funny! Gnosty wouldn't be a pen-name for Mike Thomas now would it?

Kat
Guest

Postby Kat » 27 Sep 2004, 01:38

Gnosty-

Although very funny...it seems that the truth hurts!!!

I live in SW Fl. and have been through these 4 nightmares and it has gotten really old.

We lost our lanai during Charley and thought we were covered by St. Farm Insurance. Much to our dismay, we subsequently found out that our deductable was 5% of our total coverage on our home and property. We just assumed that it was an added 5% to our normal deductable of $500. Well it totaled to $13,500, which ended up being more than the replacement value to install a new lanai. We have been paying St. Farm since '86 and our insurance premiums have risen to almost $3,000 per year. Last June they sent some lackey over to our property and he came up with a number of things that the Co. then required us to fix, including such inane things as painting a soffit. They were kind enough to give us one week to complete their required list, or we would be dropped. We complied and now they aren't there to assist us anyway. We had never filed a single claim with them in all those 18 years.

If we had sustained any subsequent damage from any of the other hurricanes, we would have been required to pay another $13,500, before they would fork out a single penny. I can hardly wait to see what they will have in store for us in the wake of these recent storms. We will most likely have to take out another mortgage on our home to pay their premiums!

BTW- I had horrible heart palpitations before Jeanne's arrival. They started last Wednesday, and only happened at night, usually beginning sometime around midnight. They were bad enough to wake me from a deep sleep. I have never had them before in my life! I also noticed that I had a conjuctival hemorrhage in my left eye. Interestingly enough, my mother told me that her hair stylist also had one in her eye this last week also. Neither she, nor I, have ever had one of these before.

I can only wonder if these maladies could be somehow related to ELF waves and these extremely weird weather anomalies?

Kat
Guest

Postby Kat » 27 Sep 2004, 08:54

So many people have lost so much, to say nothing of those who have lost their lives in these storms. If there truly are people who had anything to do with being responsible for these disasters...I can only hope they will get their just deserts. It is extremely depressing to think of the possibility of human involvement in having caused any of these hurricanes.


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